The Mama Bear Method- Parenting by instinct.

My oldest daughter is about to turn 13. She is my rainbow baby in every sense of the word. She was born following a miscarriage, giving her the colorful designation. Her musical, magical, brilliant way of being and her love of bright colors further cemented it for me. When she came out at the age of 11, there was certainly no denying it. She’ll be my rainbow baby forever. I had a hunch that she was gay from around age 2. Call it a mother’s intuition or call me crazy, I just sort of knew.

I firmly believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. My girl is exactly who she is supposed to be, and she is beautiful. She has wide blue eyes and a delicate face like a little pixie. She recently chopped off all of her hair- which was somewhat painful for me because she was blessed with amazing, thick locks that are the stuff of my dreams- and it really shows off those big eyes. She’s even more beautiful on the inside. She is tender-hearted and kind. When she was 9, we were back East visiting family and we took a day trip to Boston. As we walked the Freedom Trail, she stopped every 6 feet to share her spending money with the homeless, dropping quarters into paper cups and outstretched hands that we walked by without as much as a glance. Her heart was broken over the thought that anyone might not have a home. That day, and every day, she teaches me so much.

I have made many, many, many mistakes in my life. I’ve screwed up thousands of things and am still very much a work in progress. Case in point: I eat like a 7-year-old at Grandma’s house. I’ll eat chocolate for breakfast. My husband tells me that popcorn is not dinner. (I disagree. It just needs a good wine pairing.) I am almost 39 and have yet to feel successful in a career. I am often late for coffee dates or lunches. I forget important documents on my kitchen counter. I can be lackadaisical with money. I am a lazy friend at times. My list of flaws is endless, but my point is this: of all the things I have done in life, parenting is one area I feel that I have succeeded. I’m not saying I am perfect, by any means. I’ve made my share of parenting mistakes- but the mistakes I have made with my kids have always happened during times that I did not follow my heart. When I listened to conventional wisdom or took the advice of a well-intentioned friend or relative. When I did what I thought I was supposed to do, instead of going with my gut- those are the times I messed it up. I realized this recently through a particularly painful ordeal with my Rainbow Kid.

At the end of 5th grade, she had a crush on someone in her class. The crush continued throughout 6th grade. She knew that she was not allowed to date in middle school. Sexuality and gender discussions have no bearing here- middle schoolers are simply not equipped with the emotional maturity to date, period. This has always been a clearly stated truth in my home- have all thr crushes you want, but you can’t have a girlfriend/boyfriend until high school. Her sister let it slip one day at the start of Rainbow Kid’s 7th grade year, that she had a girlfriend and had had one for some time. This was a pivotal moment and no doubt the start of a winding road of teenage mishaps that I would need to guide her through. I screwed it up. In my gut, I knew that she was too young to be dating. She was not equipped to handle the emotions and responsibility of someone else’s heart while learning who she will one day be. Despite the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to talk to her and ask her to end the relationship, I decided it was best to simply ignore it. Hadn’t my mom ignored all of my middle school crushes and silly boyfriends? Everyone always says that if you act too upset about something, your kid will rebel and fight against you to do that very thing. The conventional wisdom said that if I forbade her to date this girl, she would just do it behind my back. Wasn’t it better to be someone that she could talk to? Wasn’t it better to let this phase run its course? Spoiler alert: No.

I started to notice gradual changes in my kiddo. She became more withdrawn. She was moodier. She stayed alone in her room for hours on end. I reasoned that these were the hallmarks of puberty and that nothing was inherently wrong. I had a pit in my stomach the entire time. Finally, the nagging feeling that something was wrong compelled me to do something. I looked through her phone (something I do periodically for safety reasons) and read some of her texts. It had been a while since I had done this, and while there was nothing “bad” or scary, I definitely had the sense that this relationship was too big for its proverbial britches. I sat Rainbow Kid down and told her that I made a mistake. I’m a big believer in letting your kids know you’re human and that you mess up sometimes. I told her that I had a feeling that this relationship was too much for her, and I ignored it for a while. I thought that she would figure it out. It was clear to me now, though, that she needed my help. I reminded her of our strict house policy on not dating in middle school. I braced myself for tween wrath. Instead, I saw relief. I watched her shoulders relax. She leaned into my hug and cried. She and I both knew that this wasn’t good for her, and she needed me to set that limit. I told her she could blame it on me and say “My mom says I can’t have a girlfriend.” Of course is wasn’t easy, and her “break-up” was full to the brim of drama and tears over shaking hands and a flip phone. I think we were both a little nervous. Two days later though, I had my kid back. She was singing and playing the piano and laughing with her sister. She was cracking jokes and doing homework and just being a kid. They’re kids for such precious little time.

Never again will I ignore my gut feelings. I think we all have those Mama Bear instincts inside of us, and they guide us if we let them. I know my child, and I know that I made the best choice for her. I also know that I waited too long to make it. There is so much information out there, so many opinions from well-intentioned and not-so-well-intentioned sources. There are experts in every corner of every platform of social media and in line in front of us at the grocery store. Not a single one of them knows my child better than I do.