Lightning McQueen Helped Me Be a Better Parent
When Wren was two years old, I took her to Disneyland. In hindsight, that was a ridiculous idea, because she remembers nothing from the trip. Chalk it up to being a new parent. It was, however, rather memorable to me.
It was the trip that forced me to actually see my daughter for the first time.
Obviously, I had seen her before. I was intimately familiar with her giant blue eyes, pixie-like chin, and curls like springs at the end of her hair. I’m talking about actually seeing her, or at least, catching a glimpse of the real Wren for the first time. I had taken her into the Bippidi Boppidi Boutique and purchased a tiny Cinderella dress, as one does when one is in Rome. When I put it on her, she remarked that the sparkly fabric was scratchy. I shrugged this off and told her how beautiful she looked. She was a bite-sized princess, and it was almost too much cuteness to stand.
We went to dine in a princess restaurant that has terrible food and charges you four times as much as you might spend in a regular restaurant. Wren was called up to the front of the restaurant to pose with actual Cinderella. Everyone oohed and aahed over her. I think I took a million photos.
Later, we strolled right past Lightning McQueen and Mater- this was before Radiator Springs was built- and she stopped in her tracks. “Mom!” her voice full of wonder. “It’s Lightning McQUEEN!” We stood staring at those cars for probably 30 minutes. I had to basically drag her away. She doesn’t remember any of this, or the fact that she insisted on watching Cars every night before bed for a full year. It’s burned into my memory, however.
It was the moment that I realized that I was forcing my child into a rigid gender role that didn’t suit her.
As she stood there having a conversation with a cartoon sports car, it hit me.Wren is not a “girly-girl.” She had been telling me what she was interested in (Cars) and what she liked to wear (anything that wasn’t scratchy, preferably pants.) and I was ignoring her. I couldn’t wait to take her picture in that princess dress. She couldn’t wait to take it off. I wasn’t photographing my daughter. I was photographing my own idea of what a daughter looks like, wrapped up in a glittery bow.
From that day on, I started to really look at my daughter. I learned to appreciate her for who she is, and who she is becoming. Wren is somewhere on the rainbow spectrum. She’s still figuring all of that out for herself. There’s time. For now, she needs to know that she is loved, any way she shows up. What she doesn’t need, is me to define her identity for her.
If you happen to be navigating life with a kiddo that doesn’t fit a typical (whatever that means) gender role, I can offer you a little bit of advice from my own parenting experience.
Labels are not always helpful.
For a lot of people, labels are a way of carving out a space in the world. They give a sense of validity, a way to identify oneself. I think labels can help adults feel more comfortable. For tweens and young teens, it’s important to give them the space to figure it out. While some kids might be born knowing their sexual orientation or gender identity, others may find themselves in a grey zone. If your kid says that they’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, awesome. Hug them, be happy for them. Let them know that no matter what they are loved and accepted. For now, that’s enough. Wren was spending so much time trying to nail down her exact gender identity and sexual orientation that she was visibly stressed. When I gave her the permission to just be a kid and figure it out later, it was a weight off her shoulders. In our house, we understand-and honor the fact-that people change and evolve.
Give up on your dreams.
It sounds harsh, but honestly, whatever you have dreamed up for your child is no where near as amazing as the person they’re becoming. Let them show you who they are. My daughter is generous, funny, kind, sarcastic, musically inclined and wants to be an ornithologist. I could care less who she has a crush on, or that she doesn’t wear a lot of dresses. Those things are at the bottom of the list of things that are fascinating about my kid. Let go of your expectations.
They’re not here for us.
It’s not about you. Your child is not a reflection of you. They are a unique person. As parents, it’s our job to teach and guide them as they follow their paths. We have to let them go at their pace, their own way. I know that when I stopped trying to fit Wren into an uncomfortable mold, she stretched her wings and soared.
